Well hello there..
I haven’t posted here in a bit, for the most part…well, because I may not need the therapy of getting my thoughts out as much lately. It is a great relief to not feel like I have to type out my life with purpose into the blogosphere. It’s just as relaxing to type it out now, I can breathe a bit easier these days and I feel so much more positive about my place in this world. I have recently discovered the beauty as well as the mediocrity of a full time job with regular business hours. In my past I have had a real fear of normalcy, and I really always thought that I was destined to have more. Not in a physical sense, but in the sense that I wake up to a new experience daily, that I never have to accept the 40 hour work week or be a “real adult”. That my life would some how magically be the kind that others envy. I refused to accept the reality of providing for myself and having stability. I have chosen to embrace and recognize the beauty instead of focusing on the negative…there are moments where I want to complain and bitch about how I sold out and settled for a mundane routine of office life, of driving to and from the same office park day in and day out. Where I think about how I gave up the bustling life of the city for the quiet and simple life in the ‘burbs. When I wonder why I’m not hand gliding in Bali, or getting married in Vegas. Hell, I’m only 24! I am supposed to be traveling the world and swimming in the Mediterranean and backpacking around Europe. Yet this is what we were striving for when we set out on this journey. Not boring-but realistic. A life where we can save and spend weekends enjoying ourselves instead of busting our asses at jobs where we write a fat check at the beginning of each month for rent in the city. A life where we have two weeks paid vacation to go on adventures since we couldn’t afford groceries before this…
When I think of a word that describes our lives right now it is stable. I haven’t felt this in years, the routine of life adjusting to a new normal. As I sit here sipping my second cup of coffee, on a rare Friday morning when I am not in the office.. I appreciate it all. I appreciate the small things that are necessary in this life that I lacked before. I have benefits, I mean I didn’t even expect to have that when I came here…I assumed I would have a mediocre job that I didn’t really like. That I would put in my time and be miserable in order to better our lives.. But that is the good thing about not having too high of expectations of what life “should be” according to your own naive train of thought. It really does make what you have seem alright and not sub-par, it makes you happy with normalcy. I don’t really have to check the prices on a loaf of bread anymore. If I want whole-grain I get it. No more white bread. No more cheap cuts of meat. It is because of this “mundane office job” that I can afford to make these choices. And I’m not complaining. I think it has finally paid off, this crazy adventure that we took.
This has been a journey that has tested our relationship, that has made many of our loved ones question us, and to be honest that has made me question my own sanity. There were moments that were not pretty when we first arrived, and I ugly cried a lot. It was so hard not having my own space, not having a home and feeling comfortable. But I could cry happy tears at this point. I feel like we are on our way to where we want to be, and although I am definitely the new girl at work, and the shit is rolling down hill into my lap to deal with….I am grateful. I appreciate my life and I am so happy to have been given the opportunity to live up to my full potential.
We are better than ever, because we realize we have never truly been okay. We have never not been worried about making rent, or paying our electric bill. It is a really cathartic experience to not stress all the time. I have my moments, but now it is more about the fact that we might spend too much money on the weekends, we might be having too much fun! We are trying now to refocus ourselves and our goals. We have set up plans for saving, budgeting, and making our bodies as healthy as we can to fully experience life now that we have the ability to provide for ourselves adequately.
This may not sound like much to many, but to me it is everything. Our routine has given us freedom, as ironic as that may seem. We are free to enjoy our down time without the constant worry of how we will afford food or shelter. I don’t know if it will stay this way, I’m not sure we will be in this apartment in a year…or North Carolina, or on another grand adventure. This part of my life may be the beginning of something big, but for now..normal is good. And we are free.